|Can I have some point, please...|
But First! I know it was months ago, and I'm really sorry that I haven't reply to you. But let me first thank you ALL the Birthday wishes what I recieved back on the 30th of September. Sorry that I'm not thanking one by one to everybody, but I recieved so much! I think this was the best part of my birthday. Thank you!
Now for the bigger part of this journal:
I know maybe some of you already thought or at least ask yourself (or for me) this question: "What's with me? Am I dead?" If not that I'm sure that seeing this journal will some of you remind that I haven't post anything for so long, what's going on? Am I stopped drawing? Did I gave up on drawing?
Well the answer is: Yes, I stopped drawing, but no, I haven't gave up on them. So what's the matter?
Well, I do want to continue to draw, I do want to draw a lot of comics, but true is... I can't. I just can't at the moment.
To tell you the truth, I kinda lost my spirit, and mood, but the saddest part is that I kinda lost my spirit/mood because of others... I disapponted in so much people in such a short time. I feel used, throwed away, lost. And knowing this I started to feel really down, to be down in the dumps. I can't get over with this these feeling, I can't get over on these people. How can they be so irresponsible, and unfeeling? Even when I felt that I have a really good mood, I sat down and started to draw something I started to remembered and these bad feelings just came back, I couldn't just brush off these feelings. My mood dropped again, and I had to shut down my drawing program again... Something is really broked inside of me.... I kinda waited for my birthday, because I really hoped that maybe on that day I will receive some support that can help me to overcome with these feelings. And this is why I told you that having all those birthday wishes from you were the best things of my day. However... the problem is that what I do received too are a lot of broken promises, what kinda hurted me even more, especially because some of these promises were from my friends(?) I don't even know anymore...
I started thinking: What I do wrong? Why this is happening to me? I really try so hard. I don't want to hurt my friends, I really want to help them if they feel down, I want to be there for them, if they need me. It will sound a little selfish, but I started to think that maybe I'm too "kind" and this is why I get used by others, but I'm so alert... OR maybe I'm not even kind at all? I just haven't noticed this? I don't even know how this world rolls anymore....Sometimes I feel.... that everything was better when I was alone... and it's sad....
I'm still trying. Trying to get somehow back on the horse, but it's really hard. But I have to! Somehow! I made promises too, promises what I haven't forgat in one single day, I'm not like that! I made promises to you, promises to others, what I still have to make. This is another reason why I don't want to give up on drawing, because I want to keep these promises.
But what can I do in a situation where I kinda feel abandoned? Well I started to change things around me, I wanted to change my "destiny". First of all, I started to learn how to draw. With pencil and papir at the moment. (It looks like a "Burn in hell" but I know that every start will be like this. I just need to keep moving.) Even if this is drawing as well, it do feel different what I used to, and it kinda feel good. Like a therapy. It would be soo good If I could draw faster as my current speed, I could make comics every week! My dream...
I'm planning some other big change that maybe could help me a lot, but it will be not easy, and it's not 100% sure yet. But if that will happen, I definitly will tell you. But this could not happen before the end of winter, so..
I don't know how much time I still need... Maybe weeks, months.. I don't know at all. But what's really matter is that I haven't give up yet. I'm trying. Be patient with me, I will come back.